February 26, 2019 Dear Bean, It’s been two days since I found out about you. I’m not sure how to explain to you with any adequacy the conflict I have felt in the past 48 hours. Because this is not what I had planned. I’m pretty sure that in the three weeks since you started becoming, I have said out loud at least twice, “I really don’t want kids.” I meant it. I did for such a long time, with all … [Read more...]
on happy tears and lightness
I I have happy-cried four times this week. That has never happened before. I’m wired to be deeply comfortable with discomfort, with melancholy, with sadness, with rage. This is a gift, and yet it has come to feel heavy. As I’ve leaned into my empathic giftings, I’ve kind of become a magnet for these emotions. I’m often the person people come to with their hard things, because they know those … [Read more...]
on telling yourself the truth
I I stumbled into a sort of time machine today. I went to the voice notes in my phone for the first time in forever, planning to record a snippet of a song that’s been scratching its way out, and I noticed that there was a stray voice note from March of 2015. Most of my old recordings have been cleaned out by now, but that one managed to stick. It was twelve minutes long, and I was immediately … [Read more...]
the unformula for a meaningful life
I want to say my very truest things, but I don’t quite know where to start. I know I don’t owe this to anyone. I don’t have to say any of this out loud, but by my very nature, I am a story teller. I am a person who flings open the doors of my life and lets people walk around in it as though it’s a museum. True, there are always rooms that I don’t invite anyone into. Walls stripped bare, paint … [Read more...]
on being Mount St. Helens
She came up out of nowhere, and it honestly scared the hell out of me. We had been driving for over an hour and by that point, the evergreen trees were so tall and thick alongside the road that we couldn't see anything else. So when we topped a hill and took a sharp curve to the right, she hit me like a gut punch. Mount St. Helens. My heart dropped into my stomach and, hand to God, I stopped … [Read more...]
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